Making Memories!!!

Its been nearly a month and a thensome since I started my countdown.......the one which takes me back to pilani of course! And I've ben diligently counting down each day one-by-one; with just 4 days remaining now. And I'm really really psyched; which goes without saying of course. But then, on second thoughts, why exactly am I happy?? I mean I'm leaving the comforts of my air conditioned room for a dark and dingy single occupancy room; leaving my mom's awesome cooking for the unthinkable mess food .

It's true of course that almost everyone has to make the same transition, but my happiness and excitement is very obviously much more than any of my friends( so much so in fact that my wingies have started an online poll on my wing's secret facebook group about the various reason which could be dragging me back to pilani; some really interesting options on that too!!). So my reasons have to be different than my friends' right?

Well the simplest explanation is maybe I simply enjoy college life more than my peers. Those chat sessions on the hostel roof at night, walking back from class with friends, sampling new stuff at the redi everyday with friends, going to cnot for the ocassional treat, returning from the lib at midnight, jaipur treats with wingies as well as dept friends, late night trips to ANC, wing cricket, playing mafia through the night, the list really is endless. Each of these things are so deeply etched in my memory that life almost seems incomplete without it.

In fact, sometimes I'm scared if I'll get back those same things which I've so fallen in love with. If it were up to me I'd rather relive my first year  than move onto my second. Maybe this tendency of not letting go is what makes me different. Prone to misery, yes; but different. But then of course there's this rational side of my brain which takes over and reminds me that the only reason we look forward to things in life is because they are unknown. Well, conflict between these two parts of my brain's nothing new for me, so I'll just let them fight it out for themeselves!!

Damn it!! I'm getting nostalgic about college even before I've begun my second year. Wonder what's gonna happen when I finally pass out. Dont really wanna think about that right now though. But suddenly I remember my Dad's enthusiasm when he's discussing my college life with me, almost as if he's reliving those moments himself. I remember his words: "This is the single most enjoyable time you will ever have in your entire life. So live it well. Live it so fully that you never have any regrets when you think about it later". And I realise, now's not the time to go back down the memory lane; now is the time for MAKING MEMORIES!

To Hope or Not to Hope!!

To hope or not to hope? That's one big question on my mind right now. And the worst part is, I have equally compelling arguments for both sides. My eternal philosophy has been to not expect anything from life, basically live on no hopes. At least then you're not hurt when your hopes are dashed. And I've found myself vindicated pretty often, inasmuch that I've always managed to take the bad falls in my stride. I do not know whether I'd have been able to do that if I'd always 'hoped' for the best.         
              
 But then, it does seem quite a loser thing to do; not hope. I mean the people who said 'hope sustains life' definitely knew their stuff right? Plus, it's not like I myself have never hoped for anything, I'd be a hypocrite if I said that. Of course I've hoped for things, maybe not expected them, but certainly there was a glimmer of light in a corner of my mind. But then the sane rational part of my mind has never been bereft of self doubts. Good or not I dont know but that's how it always has been.

But of late, I've started questioning my philosophy more than usual, supplemented, of course by watching a video of 'The Secret' on youtube and a second-time viewing of 'Shawshank Redemption'. If hope indeed is that good a thing, then why hasnt it been good to me? Most likely because of the huge bags of negative emotions I've been carrying. But then again, the question is can anyone have a positive frame of mind at all times?? I mean aren't self doubts gonna creep in even in the most self- assured of people? The game of statistics again I guess.

But my greatest question right now is, can I afford to hope? Well if it was left to me I'd let things remain the way they are; 'hopeless', in a manner of speaking. Change doesn't come easily to me. The niche I've carved for myself seems too comfortable a place to leave. For right now I can atleast think that I may someday be able to overcome this barrier and start hoping. But the day I hope and fall, I don't know whether I'll have enough strength to stand back up.

But there is something that I do know. I will never be able to live with myself until I try, until I know for sure that this is what is good for me, until I have lost all hope of hoping! I wont ever know if I have the strength to get up until I've fallen; and whatever else I might be, I'm surely not this, a coward. What will come, will come; and I will deal with it. But for now, I HOPE.